This one hurt...

I hopped in my car to head to the gym this morning and noticed that my gas gauge said I was nearing empty. I was immediately frustrated. You see my husband drove that car home last night and now here I was at 4:30 in the morning trying to figure out how I was going to have time to stop for gas. Grumble, grumble, maybe class will get out a few minutes early today...

But today was one of those classes that not only didn't get out early but ran a few minutes late. I jump in my car hoping that my low gas burning Prius will get me home and send a quick text to Erik, I'm trying to practice love so it reads some thing like: "So if I can make if home without running out of gas can you plan to leave early enough so you can fill up the tank on your way to work? In the future when you are driving home late at night and the gas level is low please fill it up, I don't have time in the mornings!" Five seconds go by and my empty light starts flashing. I'm furious. Like want to scream all kinds of make you blush kind of names mad as I get off the freeway to get gas.

As I'm fuming away in my car I think, "Love is slow to anger." I could tell you all the thoughts I was having in that moment, all the reasons my anger was justified, all the excuses I wanted to use to not be honest. In that moment I didn't want to practice love I wanted to be mad. I wanted to be mad because this wasn't the first time we had had this conversation. "Love keeps no record of wrongs." Ouch, that one hurt. I wasn't mad because my husband didn't notice the gas was getting low, I was mad because I already had a list of past transgressions and this was just more fuel for the fire.

I got real with myself in that gas station parking lot, if this was the first time this happened would I be this angry? Absolutely not, it's easy to forgive things the first time. "Love keeps no record of wrongs." You guys, if I'm not keeping a list of every mistake then shouldn't this feel like the first time? Conviction, I felt it and I chose to do some practicing. 

Grace. Forgiveness. Love.

These thoughts keep rolling around in my head today. If I had a list of mistakes for my husband in the storage of my heart who else's list am I hiding there? Do you have some lists hiding away too? I can tell you that trying to wipe the slate clean today wasn't easy but when I made the choice to practice loving the way I've been called to I felt lighter. To be clear I am positive that my practicing in this area is far from over. Fortunately (maybe unfortunately) I've found that when we have something we need to learn we are given lots of opportunities to practice. The weeks ahead may be filled with challenges but I am determined to keep practicing.